Do I really believe that God is sovereign and in control at all times? Do I really believe that God will give the grace necessary to get through hard times in our lives?
I'm tired! I'm exhausted from working full time (40-45 hours a week lately), Rob is working a very physically demanding job 45 hours a week, we have 3 ADHD children, a house, and just life in general. Let me be the first to admit. I'm doing a lousy job keeping up with all this. I'm tired all the time. My nerves are shot, I don't have patience with the boys, I can't keep my house picked up much less clean. UGH!!!! Today was another of those days. I was off this weekend, however I worked for 8 days straight to get to this point. I was tired. They boys stayed at my sisters on Friday. Great I thought, I'll get up and clean and do laundry, then we can go to the promised "Wal-mart shopping spree" with the boys. Well, I did sleep in. I slept until 9am. Got up started my day. My dryer is not working right. The vent house is flex pipe (?) and is full of lint, therefore, it will not heat up to dry properly. Therefore, it takes 2 to 3 times longer to dry the clothes, which makes laundry more of a nightmare than usual.
Okay, enough gripping. Today on the way to church I wasn't in a very good mood. I know it is just pure selfishness, things aren't going smoothly for me, and I don't like it at all. I'm tired of the boys fighting all the time, I'm tired with Austin (poor little guy wears me out), I'm just tired. Well, then we get to church, and of all things we talked about in SS was "Thankfulness". UGH!!! I was so convicted, I was almost in tears the entire time, good thing no one made eye contact with me or I would have lost it, like I'm about to do know just thinking of it.
Some of the things that Patti talked about were so elementary, I know them, but boy did I need to hear them. God is so absolutely great, and even if he doesn't give us exactly what we want we should still worship and glorify him. He doesn't owe me anything. I owe him so very much. He has given me life, and more than that, he calls me his own. He is my father, what more do I need. UGH!! I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. I'm so stinking sinful sometimes, it drives me crazy. I think I get trapped back into the mindset of "works based" thinking. I.E. "You know God I'm doing my best, couldn't you just reward me for that?" WHY! WHY! WHY! God is so awesome, I can't even put into words how I feel right at this moment. Why, when I feel this way to I allow my self to get so upset at circumstances, why don't I just turn my eyes towards God and cry out to him for help? Sinful nature, and a lack of quiet time each day with the one who is able to sustain me through all things, that is why. I have gotten so wrapped up with the day to day things, that I've forgotten to talk with God each day. It is so easy to say, "I trust God can carry me through any circumstance" and not believe it with all your heart. Today the Holy Spirit sure did a work in my life, I hope to not soon forget. Now does this mean I didn't struggle at all the rest of the day, absolutely not, I just know where I can find my true joy. It is in worshiping the creator, not what he has or hasn't done in my life God has preordained these circumstances, gave me the children I have, and I have to trust that he will work through me and carry me through this time.
I hope that this makes some sense to someone out there. Even if it doesn't, that is okay. To God be the glory for the revelation he did in my heart today.
Hevenly Father, I worship you for who you are. Father, please forgive me once again for my unbelief and selfish sinful nature. I have taken my eyes off of you once again, and focused my attention on the things in my life, and not on you. I cry out to you with a humble heart, asking that you please give me the strenght it takes to get through this time. You know the thoughts and desires of my heart. Lord you have given me the children chosen for me by you. Lord I thank you for them. Lord help me to glorify you, and to show them the love that you've shown to me. Help me Lord to be kind, and not so critical and unhappy towards my chilren. Lord, through the work of the Holy Spirit, I ask that you produce the fruits of the spirit in my life. I want to glorify you in all I do. Not for myself, but that others may see Christ in me. I thank you that you chose me "before the foundation of the world". You knew exactly who I'd be, and all the circumstances that I'd encounter. I thank you that you sent your one and only son to die on that cross for my sins. I thank you that even though I'm a sinner, I know that you love me, and my salvation is secure for Christ holds me in his hand, and you, Father, hold that hand that holds me. Oh, I get such joy when I think of that. I thank you once again just for who you are. I know God that you will carry me through this time in my life. In your sons precious name. Amen!