Monday, April 09, 2007

A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just try somewhere. S*e*x*ual abuse is a part of my exteneded family. This being, my parents and siblings. My father, is the worst of all perpetraters of this horrendous act upon a child. It was know growing up that one of my brothers had taken advantage of my sister, but when it was reported, supposedly it had stopped and was in the past so nothing was done. Well, in the here and now, my sister is feeling the affects of a lifetime of abuse by not only my brother but also my father and whomever else was allowed to violate her body, mind and soul. She is a very strong person, she is doing well, considering the events of her life. She is a survivor. I am so overwhelmed when I see where she has come from in the past 3 years. There were days in the begining, that she couln't even remember how to draw bath water for herslef, and I was there to help here through those times. She is amazing. She is strong. God has helped her so much.

She deals with many memories, daily, nightly, there are times she doesn't sleep much. As of late, she has remembered my children in her memories. My children were violated by my father. UGH!!!!! You can't even imagine how horrible this makes me feel. They were in my sisters care, and I do not hold her at fault considering the circumstnaces, and he was there, and he violated my children in the worst way. We have talked about this with them, they say they do not remember, and on one hand I don't wish them to remember. We called the police in the town where it happened, and they in turn have contacted socail services. Which is absolutely fine with me. I want something done if they ever remember, I will not let this go by without notice from me. Last week, they were questioned by a social services worker in our county on behalf of the county it happened, the boys say they have no memory. However, the social worker feels they do and just aren't ready to talk about it. I don't know what else to do, I feel so absolutely helpless in this. My boys are my life, and they have been hurt in the worst possible way, by a grandparent. I want this man stopped, because I'm sure at this very moment he is hurting some helpless child. My heart aches each and every time I see a story like the one of J*e*s*s*i*c*a L*u*n*s*f*o*r*d, and children like this. My heart is very heavy today, I am at a loss of what to do. I have talked with the school, I've talked with the boys doctors, so that we are all on the same page and if they ever feel like they need to talk they can. In some ways I wish they never have to deal with the memories, however, I need them to talk if they have memories.

I know the scripture that says: Romans8:28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose. (ESV)
I know God is sovereign and in control of all things. I guess I am just greiving today, I feel so very heavy. My days are crazy. Some days I don't think much of it, somedays it consumes my thoughts. My moods are horrendous. Up and down. I am very overwhelmed by all of this.

I am sorry for the heaviness of the post. I just had to get these feelings off my chest today.


Karen said...

Melissa...I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know that your love for your boys and the Lord will overcome any damage done by your father. My love and prayers are with you. Call me if you ever need to talk. Love...Karen

Free In Christ said...

Thank you Karen. Your friendship really means a lot to me. THanks again.

staceyhoff said...

Melissa, I wish I had chcked in earlier and seen this post! :(
But, since I am here now, at least I can comment now. I will definately be praying for you and your family during this sad time in your lives. I know it will be hard for you to forgive your father; it would sure be hard for me too. Sin is so like this: it seeks to destroy people's lives
( your dad's, his doing those things to his own children and then to his grandchildren, and your sister's and your lives have been so affected,your children will have to deal with this too.)
It is so ugly, and so loves darkness and secrets.
But be encouraged! God is sovereign over sin and it's affects on His people. Even though there is sin, and because of that there will always be evil, in the world we are not left alone to pick up the pieces by ourselves when we are devastated by others sin's against us, and against our loved one's- and against themselves. There is a redeemer for us, because He has been so good to adopt us as His own children, and you and your sister and your children too are His children. God is in this. He is going to redeem this horrible situation. Without Him, it could never be redeemed. With Him, it will be. I promise- because His word says so. Do not grow faint in doing good works Melissa, keep on your knees and praying and giving your family over to God. He will redeem thier pain and give your pain and give you all beauty in for your ashes. He will also heal all the pain and hurt and bitterness in your hearts, if you will let Him. I know you will. He can make it so we do not have to carry around the marks of this abuse forever. he really can help us 'forget' in a way, we are able to be healed by Him and also able to forgive the perpetrator for their sin struggles and feel pity for them because the evil one has managed to use them, this destroys their lives too- your father is in need of much prayer, too, for his soul and I know you already know that. I hope these words help you, it is just what I have learned walking along with God through my own childhood abuse and now being in that place of forgiving and praying for mercy for my abusers. I still get angry, I just hand my anger over to God and ask Him to help me forgive- and He does. Maybe even someday you and I will hold our parents hand and pray for their salvation and/or their forgiveness. That will bring great glory to God on that day!! Of course satan wants us to hate the abuser but this will only keep us in bondage to them. Let's let God shine His light in all the corners and crevices and dispel all of the darkness, any trace of shadow. I don't know what else to say, but just take heart friend, and know that God is in this-- He has not abandoned your family. Do not mistake anothers sin against your family for God's providing for that sin to happen. Your father did that out of his free will. And God weeps over it right along with you. I pray that your father will feel the weight of conviction and repent mightily and throw himself at the father's feet. Praying for tons of grace headed your way and lot's of the Father's healing love for your children, and the whole family ;)

Robin said...

I'm at a loss for words. I will lift you and your family up in prayer.

On a different note: I *loved* the camping pictures. You're boys are so blessed to have you as their mom. What wonderful awesome memories you made with them.