A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just try somewhere. S*e*x*ual abuse is a part of my exteneded family. This being, my parents and siblings. My father, is the worst of all perpetraters of this horrendous act upon a child. It was know growing up that one of my brothers had taken advantage of my sister, but when it was reported, supposedly it had stopped and was in the past so nothing was done. Well, in the here and now, my sister is feeling the affects of a lifetime of abuse by not only my brother but also my father and whomever else was allowed to violate her body, mind and soul. She is a very strong person, she is doing well, considering the events of her life. She is a survivor. I am so overwhelmed when I see where she has come from in the past 3 years. There were days in the begining, that she couln't even remember how to draw bath water for herslef, and I was there to help here through those times. She is amazing. She is strong. God has helped her so much.

She deals with many memories, daily, nightly, there are times she doesn't sleep much. As of late, she has remembered my children in her memories. My children were violated by my father. UGH!!!!! You can't even imagine how horrible this makes me feel. They were in my sisters care, and I do not hold her at fault considering the circumstnaces, and he was there, and he violated my children in the worst way. We have talked about this with them, they say they do not remember, and on one hand I don't wish them to remember. We called the police in the town where it happened, and they in turn have contacted socail services. Which is absolutely fine with me. I want something done if they ever remember, I will not let this go by without notice from me. Last week, they were questioned by a social services worker in our county on behalf of the county it happened, the boys say they have no memory. However, the social worker feels they do and just aren't ready to talk about it. I don't know what else to do, I feel so absolutely helpless in this. My boys are my life, and they have been hurt in the worst possible way, by a grandparent. I want this man stopped, because I'm sure at this very moment he is hurting some helpless child. My heart aches each and every time I see a story like the one of J*e*s*s*i*c*a L*u*n*s*f*o*r*d, and children like this. My heart is very heavy today, I am at a loss of what to do. I have talked with the school, I've talked with the boys doctors, so that we are all on the same page and if they ever feel like they need to talk they can. In some ways I wish they never have to deal with the memories, however, I need them to talk if they have memories.

I know the scripture that says: Romans8:28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose. (ESV)
I know God is sovereign and in control of all things. I guess I am just greiving today, I feel so very heavy. My days are crazy. Some days I don't think much of it, somedays it consumes my thoughts. My moods are horrendous. Up and down. I am very overwhelmed by all of this.

I am sorry for the heaviness of the post. I just had to get these feelings off my chest today.